Are We Mad at Our Husbands or Are We Mad at Capitalism?

Or, I should say, unregulated capitalism

The title here is a nod to Darby Saxbe’s brilliant piece, Are We Mad at Feminism or Are We Mad at Capitalism?, which was written partially as a response to my highly controversial piece, Many Moms Are Frustrated with Feminism. Then Cartoons Hate Her got in on the fun and suggested we are not mad at either capitalism or feminism, we are just pissed about not being rich enough, which is also a good point, but not something we have a lot of control over (if most Americans are still poor AF it’s certainly not for lack of trying).

I think at this point we can safely say one thing: moms are frustrated with the status quo.

Is this capitalism’s fault? Maybe, but I’m not sure the majority of us want to totally overhaul capitalism. Regulate it, yes, but if history is evidence, the proposed alternatives to capitalism have not worked out so well.

Is it feminism’s fault? When I said moms were frustrated with feminism, I didn’t mean to say that the situation contemporary Western mothers find themselves in is feminism’s fault. I simply wanted to call attention to the fact that by fighting for equality between the sexes within a capitalist system, some feminist thinkers have reinforced capitalist and patriarchal ideals, which has led to a certain degree of frustration, especially among mothers.

But perhaps nowhere is the struggle for equality between the sexes more strongly felt than in the home, especially in heterosexual marriages with children. No conversation about feminism and capitalism and mom burnout is complete without talking about the role our husbands play in childcare and domestic work, and the anger that so many working mothers feel about the disproportionate burden they bear.

So let’s talk about it. As usual, you’ll find I don’t hold conventional views on this topic. I am fully aware of the fact that I am about to step in the shitpile here once more. I am not doing this to rage bait or to get clicks. I am genuinely interested in teasing out what I think is a very complicated question and in pushing the dialogue beyond the overly simplistic “it’s all dads’ fault” line of thinking, because I am not convinced that it’s consistently making us happier or better off. I welcome disagreement, especially if you bring sources or data or well-thought-out counterarguments (and less if you are just interested in telling me that I have no moral compass).

So without further ado, here are my honest thoughts.