This is so good as always! I wanted you to know that your opinion on this lines up very closely with Nobel Prize in Economics winner Claudia Goldin who has researched women's labor force participation in the US for her entire 50 year career. Her book for the popular press: Career and Family https://goldin.scholars.harvard.edu/career-family might be of interest to you!
Well, hopefully someone will read my future book and become politically inspired. Or maybe I will run for president when I am older and my kids are in college and I’m bored 🤣
So, I'm one of the ones who does genuinely enjoy being at home with my small children. But I do agree with you, if there was a part time option (for work I enjoyed, that made financial sense) I would do it in a heartbeat. I did do that for about 1.5 yrs, but it was no longer feasible after we had our second and I do miss it.
My issue is mostly with our capitalist work structure - you couldn't pay me to go back to working my old salaried job, even part time. (My part time job was outside, working with dogs. Much more enjoyable. But definitely did not support our family.)
The thing that I think gets left out of this discussion is how much many jobs actually suck. Is changing diapers amazing? No, but neither are many jobs. I will take the changing diapers in order to have the other benefits for me and my family (more autonomy, comparatively more leisure, not working on a computer all day, etc). I hated working full-time in modern America even before kids. So, if you had a job you enjoyed, I can see wanting more flexibility to return to work (absolutely). But if you had a crappy job, like so many? Then maybe being at home with kids seems pretty good by comparison. To me it's all about the opportunity cost.
(I will also throw out there, I think our culture is currently doing mothers a disservice in how they portray "good mothering". It's a lot more enjoyable when you're *not* sitting on the floor playing choo choo trains.)
Yes this makes total sense. I will say that the so much of the pro-work side of this debate is informed by privileged women who have relatively exciting and interesting jobs. I like to say that I hated my tech job, but it’s not entirely true. It was actually quite interesting in many regards. When I compare it to the kind of intern work I was doing when I started taking summer gigs in college (testing phone for bugs in a cubicle) and think that that is work for a lot of people, I’m like yeah, I’d stay home too given the option!!
Agree, lots of jobs suck, reported disengagement is higher than ever, but most people aren’t going to just not work, being a stay at home mum I think finally gives people an option ‘out’, its a lot harder than sitting at a desk but its a lot less soul destroying.
Can I like this 1000 times? I was just having a conversation with someone the other day that about why mothers leave their work after maternity leave, and I think that the workplace doesn’t transform WITH mothers after they go through the portal of birth and motherhood. Thanks for writing this piece!
OMG, my bones ACHED for this reality reading your article. Almost all of my friends work full-time and are absolutely losing their minds. When I became disabled, and then fully aware of how much work caretaking tasks truly take (as I wasn't well enough to complete them), it was kind of horrifying. Yet I, as my friends still do now, blamed myself for not "managing my time" well. It's INSANE what we are trying to do. And no one seems to be aware of it?!
I so appreciate this perspective! I’ve felt like the modern discussion on motherhood is very binary: either be a working mom or be a stay at home mom, and these two camps seem so diametrically opposed to each other. (At least on social media.) It’s refreshing to read a perspective that respects both desires and digs deep into why we’ve been forced to choose between two impossible options! There is a better way, and reading stuff like this gives me hope!
100% this whole scenario played out for me as well. After making the hard decision to quit, I am - 1.5 years later - still stunned that it went down the way it did. I was also replaced by younger talent with no family obligations, eager to please and work late hours. I consider myself a strong person who stands up for myself and for what is right. But after I threatened litigation and they offered me 3 months paid severance, I took it and left. On top of no sleep and also undiagnosed PPD, I felt exploited at my most vulnerable moment. I look back on it with a bitter taste and a resignation that women are still a second class.
😢 yes - the penalty that women face in the workplace is all down to motherhood, according to the research, but somehow that got left out of the discussion
I agree with many of your points but something that is been true for me and that I did not foresee is how much I want to be around for my children even now that they are older. They are now 6 and 9 and school is out at 2:30 (early release at 1:30 on Wednesdays and I almost feel like they need me more now. There are starting to be more complex emotional needs, play dates I want to be a part of, homework to help with, after school activities etc. in my experience at least this idea that “once your kid starts school you can go back to full time” is totally false. In fact as kids start to go into teenage hood there is a lot of evidence about how important it is for them to feel that parents are around. You may not be holding them and changing diapers but your presence is just as important.
I'm American so my understanding of this is a bit fuzzy, but in Australia, I think both moms and dads of school age kids have the right to request certain work accomodations, including reduced hours. What I think is interesting about that is that it applies to all sorts of jobs (I know an Australian attorney with a part time schedule) not just what we'd think of as "mommy jobs" or freelance/gig work. I would love to see a policy like that make it's way into US policy discussion.
That said, for myself, I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old and a nearly 3 year old, and I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have the opportunity to be at home with them. Obviously, I believe it's important for women to have opportunities in the wider world (I was extremely dedicated to my career for almost 20 years before my children were born) but I still think a lot of women genuinely relish (or long for) the chance to be with their children full-time in the baby/toddler years.
An Australian here, we do have the right to request, including those who care for people who aren’t just children however it’s similar to what Elena described, it’s discretionary and company culture norms plays a huge part in whether that request will be supported or not and there’s also still a stigma (I feel) for working part time.
Our govt paid parental leave will soon be 6 months paid leave and can be split however you want between the two primary care givers. And more and more companies seem to be offering significant employment paid leave for the Dad, not just the mum.
Agree, your barely surviving and one parent still has to go back to work and even if you do have the part time option, that’s a luxury most people can’t afford
Thanks for the explanation! The possible stigma is a really interesting piece of all of this. Even with the right policies in place, I don't know how you solve it. My husband took 8 weeks paternity leave when we had our first baby, and 12 weeks when we had our second (paid partially by the state and topped up by his employer). He's far enough into his career that I don't feel like there was any hidden penalty for taking the allotted time. But I have wondered, if we were to have a third baby in another year or two, would there be some unspoken judgement? In coastal/metropolitan America, I feel like anything more than two kids is considered A LOT, and I wonder how many people feel tacit pressure from their jobs to not be "greedy" with taking paid leave for "too many" babies.
+1. There has to be something in between. I think that’s why so many women end up working for themselves, on their own schedules. (I am also trying this now after leaving a full time job!)
Always excellent. If the work life you explain was possible I would also go back to work. I enjoyed my work, but 40hours of work to do more work afterwards at home and hardly see my kids and worry constantly about them and pay a fortune for their childcare was not sustainable. I will argue no one has to sit and play toys with their kids unless they want to, stay at home parent or not. I personally stay home and rarely play with my kids bc I have things to do and no interest in child play.
I’m the first person to say you don’t have to play with your kids (parents very rarely played with kids in hunter gatherer societies). And on the other hand, when I am home all day with them, their bids for me to play with them are relentless and I end up giving in. And when I refuse they end up fighting and driving me nuts. This NOT the case when we are out with other children, but this is not always possible or easy to find. Again, the sad lack of modern multi age playgroups is killing me here.
Yes the lack of play groups is a huge problem and finding that area that has that community is a big priority to me and I know for you as well. We go out to the places with kids a lot because I don’t work (playgrounds, libraries etc ) this also helps me talk to other adults and exhausts my kids so they sleep. I think I have trained them so far to understand grown ups don’t play kid games but they are only 2 &4 so time will tell if that changes.
Thank you for this post! It aligns with what I’ve heard anecdotally from other moms. I am part of a parents group and as each mom was getting ready to go back to work the common conversation was “I don’t feel ready and I wish I could go back part time.” It’s nice to see that these feelings can be backed up with research and an anthropological perspective. I wish I lived in a society that would allow for this type of work.
I’m fortunate to have 5 months of paternity leave at my current job. I don’t believe there is a part-time return option, but I’m incredibly lucky regardless. When I think about some others I know who have just a few weeks for parental leave, my heart aches and I also just don’t understand how people do that without putting the entire childcare load onto 1 partner (usually mom). I sympathize with small companies who can’t afford to give such generous policies, but then I remember that it should be a nationwide policy, not a per-company policy. I would happily pay much more in taxes to allow everyone more family leave.
This is so good as always! I wanted you to know that your opinion on this lines up very closely with Nobel Prize in Economics winner Claudia Goldin who has researched women's labor force participation in the US for her entire 50 year career. Her book for the popular press: Career and Family https://goldin.scholars.harvard.edu/career-family might be of interest to you!
Oh yes that sounds great!! So much to read so little time
Ooh I think I also need to read that!
I agree with every word. Such a good article - now tell me who is advocating for this kind of thing so I can go vote for them.
Well, hopefully someone will read my future book and become politically inspired. Or maybe I will run for president when I am older and my kids are in college and I’m bored 🤣
I’d vote for you!
Hear hear!
So, I'm one of the ones who does genuinely enjoy being at home with my small children. But I do agree with you, if there was a part time option (for work I enjoyed, that made financial sense) I would do it in a heartbeat. I did do that for about 1.5 yrs, but it was no longer feasible after we had our second and I do miss it.
My issue is mostly with our capitalist work structure - you couldn't pay me to go back to working my old salaried job, even part time. (My part time job was outside, working with dogs. Much more enjoyable. But definitely did not support our family.)
The thing that I think gets left out of this discussion is how much many jobs actually suck. Is changing diapers amazing? No, but neither are many jobs. I will take the changing diapers in order to have the other benefits for me and my family (more autonomy, comparatively more leisure, not working on a computer all day, etc). I hated working full-time in modern America even before kids. So, if you had a job you enjoyed, I can see wanting more flexibility to return to work (absolutely). But if you had a crappy job, like so many? Then maybe being at home with kids seems pretty good by comparison. To me it's all about the opportunity cost.
(I will also throw out there, I think our culture is currently doing mothers a disservice in how they portray "good mothering". It's a lot more enjoyable when you're *not* sitting on the floor playing choo choo trains.)
Yes this makes total sense. I will say that the so much of the pro-work side of this debate is informed by privileged women who have relatively exciting and interesting jobs. I like to say that I hated my tech job, but it’s not entirely true. It was actually quite interesting in many regards. When I compare it to the kind of intern work I was doing when I started taking summer gigs in college (testing phone for bugs in a cubicle) and think that that is work for a lot of people, I’m like yeah, I’d stay home too given the option!!
Agree, lots of jobs suck, reported disengagement is higher than ever, but most people aren’t going to just not work, being a stay at home mum I think finally gives people an option ‘out’, its a lot harder than sitting at a desk but its a lot less soul destroying.
Can I like this 1000 times? I was just having a conversation with someone the other day that about why mothers leave their work after maternity leave, and I think that the workplace doesn’t transform WITH mothers after they go through the portal of birth and motherhood. Thanks for writing this piece!
OMG, my bones ACHED for this reality reading your article. Almost all of my friends work full-time and are absolutely losing their minds. When I became disabled, and then fully aware of how much work caretaking tasks truly take (as I wasn't well enough to complete them), it was kind of horrifying. Yet I, as my friends still do now, blamed myself for not "managing my time" well. It's INSANE what we are trying to do. And no one seems to be aware of it?!
I so appreciate this perspective! I’ve felt like the modern discussion on motherhood is very binary: either be a working mom or be a stay at home mom, and these two camps seem so diametrically opposed to each other. (At least on social media.) It’s refreshing to read a perspective that respects both desires and digs deep into why we’ve been forced to choose between two impossible options! There is a better way, and reading stuff like this gives me hope!
100% this whole scenario played out for me as well. After making the hard decision to quit, I am - 1.5 years later - still stunned that it went down the way it did. I was also replaced by younger talent with no family obligations, eager to please and work late hours. I consider myself a strong person who stands up for myself and for what is right. But after I threatened litigation and they offered me 3 months paid severance, I took it and left. On top of no sleep and also undiagnosed PPD, I felt exploited at my most vulnerable moment. I look back on it with a bitter taste and a resignation that women are still a second class.
😢 yes - the penalty that women face in the workplace is all down to motherhood, according to the research, but somehow that got left out of the discussion
I agree. You should run for president. We need these ideas into policies. Politicians need to put these into policies as well as company CEOs.
🤣 it sounds kind of horrible to be honest
I agree with many of your points but something that is been true for me and that I did not foresee is how much I want to be around for my children even now that they are older. They are now 6 and 9 and school is out at 2:30 (early release at 1:30 on Wednesdays and I almost feel like they need me more now. There are starting to be more complex emotional needs, play dates I want to be a part of, homework to help with, after school activities etc. in my experience at least this idea that “once your kid starts school you can go back to full time” is totally false. In fact as kids start to go into teenage hood there is a lot of evidence about how important it is for them to feel that parents are around. You may not be holding them and changing diapers but your presence is just as important.
I'm American so my understanding of this is a bit fuzzy, but in Australia, I think both moms and dads of school age kids have the right to request certain work accomodations, including reduced hours. What I think is interesting about that is that it applies to all sorts of jobs (I know an Australian attorney with a part time schedule) not just what we'd think of as "mommy jobs" or freelance/gig work. I would love to see a policy like that make it's way into US policy discussion.
That said, for myself, I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old and a nearly 3 year old, and I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have the opportunity to be at home with them. Obviously, I believe it's important for women to have opportunities in the wider world (I was extremely dedicated to my career for almost 20 years before my children were born) but I still think a lot of women genuinely relish (or long for) the chance to be with their children full-time in the baby/toddler years.
An Australian here, we do have the right to request, including those who care for people who aren’t just children however it’s similar to what Elena described, it’s discretionary and company culture norms plays a huge part in whether that request will be supported or not and there’s also still a stigma (I feel) for working part time.
Our govt paid parental leave will soon be 6 months paid leave and can be split however you want between the two primary care givers. And more and more companies seem to be offering significant employment paid leave for the Dad, not just the mum.
It sounds better than the US, but to be clear, I don’t think any country really has this figured out.
Agree, your barely surviving and one parent still has to go back to work and even if you do have the part time option, that’s a luxury most people can’t afford
Thanks for the explanation! The possible stigma is a really interesting piece of all of this. Even with the right policies in place, I don't know how you solve it. My husband took 8 weeks paternity leave when we had our first baby, and 12 weeks when we had our second (paid partially by the state and topped up by his employer). He's far enough into his career that I don't feel like there was any hidden penalty for taking the allotted time. But I have wondered, if we were to have a third baby in another year or two, would there be some unspoken judgement? In coastal/metropolitan America, I feel like anything more than two kids is considered A LOT, and I wonder how many people feel tacit pressure from their jobs to not be "greedy" with taking paid leave for "too many" babies.
Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes. And also, thank goodness not every country is like the United States....
I completely agree! Part-time work is much more common in the Netherlands, where it is supported & subsidized by the goverment. About 70% of Dutch mothers & 30% of Dutch father work part-time. I wrote about it here: https://darbysaxbe.substack.com/p/why-dont-more-us-parents-work-part?r=rwfhz
+1. There has to be something in between. I think that’s why so many women end up working for themselves, on their own schedules. (I am also trying this now after leaving a full time job!)
Honestly it’s the best!! In my humble opinion
Always excellent. If the work life you explain was possible I would also go back to work. I enjoyed my work, but 40hours of work to do more work afterwards at home and hardly see my kids and worry constantly about them and pay a fortune for their childcare was not sustainable. I will argue no one has to sit and play toys with their kids unless they want to, stay at home parent or not. I personally stay home and rarely play with my kids bc I have things to do and no interest in child play.
I’m the first person to say you don’t have to play with your kids (parents very rarely played with kids in hunter gatherer societies). And on the other hand, when I am home all day with them, their bids for me to play with them are relentless and I end up giving in. And when I refuse they end up fighting and driving me nuts. This NOT the case when we are out with other children, but this is not always possible or easy to find. Again, the sad lack of modern multi age playgroups is killing me here.
Yes the lack of play groups is a huge problem and finding that area that has that community is a big priority to me and I know for you as well. We go out to the places with kids a lot because I don’t work (playgrounds, libraries etc ) this also helps me talk to other adults and exhausts my kids so they sleep. I think I have trained them so far to understand grown ups don’t play kid games but they are only 2 &4 so time will tell if that changes.
Thank you for this post! It aligns with what I’ve heard anecdotally from other moms. I am part of a parents group and as each mom was getting ready to go back to work the common conversation was “I don’t feel ready and I wish I could go back part time.” It’s nice to see that these feelings can be backed up with research and an anthropological perspective. I wish I lived in a society that would allow for this type of work.
I’m fortunate to have 5 months of paternity leave at my current job. I don’t believe there is a part-time return option, but I’m incredibly lucky regardless. When I think about some others I know who have just a few weeks for parental leave, my heart aches and I also just don’t understand how people do that without putting the entire childcare load onto 1 partner (usually mom). I sympathize with small companies who can’t afford to give such generous policies, but then I remember that it should be a nationwide policy, not a per-company policy. I would happily pay much more in taxes to allow everyone more family leave.