If Erica's work makes us mad because we can't all be home with our kids (or don't want to), your work makes me mad because I can't have support of the village I need and the shared parenting dynamics I've evolved for!
I'm not sure what the study was measuring in terms of outcomes, but I cannot believe that a child 'of' two gay men does not miss out on something essential. The bond with his mother. He is separated from his mother at birth, and as we know from some surrogate children who are now speaking out about this practice, it leaves a life-long abandonment wound, regardless of how devoted at parenting the gay couple are. I see this in my work on a postnatal ward.
I think you’re conflating two separate issues. The issue of separating a newborn from the birth giving parent is something in itself (I’ve not done a ton of reading myself on it tbh but for the sake of this conversation I’ll assume it’s proven) but 1. that doesn’t mean the issue is that children need a mother specifically, and 2. Still assumes a very heteronormative style family system. It is perfectly possible for two dads to be the primary parents of a child while not inflicting that initial trauma of separating birth giver and baby.
If the science is solid, then we should take it seriously, even if we don’t like it. I am just trying to parse what is backed by science and what is not. Which is not to say that science and data are infallible- but that where we have evidence to the contrary we should not make such sweeping (harmful) claims
Hmm I think you are picking a fight where you don't need to.
As a father who is struggling to connect with my child, watching her motivated me to get involved and play with him (rough and tumble style).
I don't believe she is espousing the nuclear, isolated family either - saying numerous times how sad it is we have to move away from our extended families.
I think she's also spot on that the right are partly right (family is important) but they are totally off base in any willingness to fund parental leave.
She's not even trying to neuter women's careers and make them stay at home forever - having a great career later in life is a real possibility.
And with regards fathers staying at home - she's talking about our nature and also acknowledges that men would be starting from behind but by being aware of this they can succeed - basically like knowing your own biases - that seems a perfectly sane message.
I'm far from a right winger and finding myself surprised to be disagreeing with some left / liberal opinions (as you say you do too).
I genuinely think you two are on the same page and this whole debunking thing is just you picking holes in her presentation. The guilt piece on part 1 she directly addresses - it's the system/society that is at fault not the mothers/parents - which is what you said too. I'm not in this scene, but I'm so confused by this hate
100% no need to for a fight. Érica in fact has mention many times she never stopped working. She has mention many times she has homosexual patients and she refers all time to the “role of a mother” in the first 3 years that any man can also do , she is not referring specifically to a women. If testosterone drops in a men, cant have the energy to go out and work which is indeed necessary for the survival of the tribe when mom is in postpartum. Érica is always taking about the first 3 years of a human being (Postpartum because it last that amount of time). Even when society and our ideals are different we have to accept our biology and instinct and that’s what she is mainly addressing. My husband did get depressed because he was not working, our sexual life was definitely not the same and it did affect us as partners, no need for divorce but it affect us. Because testosterone is lower thats one of the reason of lack exercise so both are interconnected but it could be the cause or also the effect.
Breastfeeding is affected by stress hormones so if a mom is working with lot of pressure this could be affected.
The world need more present moms thats true and a fact and I think this is the only thing we should focus no need to stop working but is about changing priorities which I think is the message she is trying to send.
💔 When the Truth Hurts, It’s Because You Care: A Message to Mothers from the Research and the Heart
Many of us are reacting—not to the research—but to the unbearable weight of what it implies: That our children need more from us than we have been allowed to give. That the world told us we had to split ourselves in half—and now it dares to question the pieces.
But here’s the truth, grounded in neuroscience, anthropology, and compassion:
You were made for this. Not to do it alone. Not to burn out. But to be central—nurturing, attuned, and supported.
That’s not ideology. It’s biology.
🧠 What the Research Shows (and Why It Matters)
When a woman becomes a mother, her brain rewires to be attuned to her baby’s cues—Lisa Mosconi calls it “a nearly superhuman recalibration.”
In the first 3 years of life, a baby’s brain is building over a million neural connections per second. These are directly shaped by warm, responsive caregiving—especially from mothers, who are biologically primed for this connection.
Reliable, loving presence helps regulate a baby’s stress system, shaping long-term resilience, emotional intelligence, and even physical health.
“Serve and return” interactions—eye contact, voice, touch—are non-negotiable for healthy brain architecture. These aren’t luxuries; they are needs.
Fathers, grandparents, nannies can do this—but the attuned mother is, neurologically, the best-prepared. The key is: this isn’t about exclusion—it’s about support.
💣 Why the Anger? It’s Justified—But Let’s Aim It Right
You're not mad at the science.
You're mad at being set up to fail by a society that says:
“Go back to work as soon as possible.”
“You’re lazy if you stay home.”
“You’re anti-feminist if you prioritize caregiving.”
“Motherhood isn’t real work.”
All while offering no paid leave, no free childcare, no intergenerational help, no community.
The problem isn’t you. It’s a culture that praises “choice” but offers no real options.
That forces mothers to do the impossible—and then shames them for breaking.
👩👧 Mothers Don’t Need to Be the Only Caregivers—But They Deserve to Be Supported as the Primary Ones
The research isn’t saying “only moms matter.”
It’s saying: the early years matter immensely—and we’ve treated them like an afterthought.
You shouldn’t be left isolated and exhausted, expected to do it all without help.
Nor should you be told your caregiving role is “less than” because it doesn’t earn a paycheck.
🌱 A Better Future: Rebuilding the Village
What we need is a third way:
Systems that fund and support early caregiving like we do defense or tech.
Living-work spaces where moms, playmates, caregivers, and support staff co-exist.
Paid parental leave. Home visits. Subsidized help. Emotional support.
This is what Erica Komisar—and many others—are ultimately fighting for. Not against working moms, not against feminism, but for a cultural recalibration that honors what science, common sense, and generations of mothers have always known:
Tiny humans need loving, consistent presence—and mothers need a society that allows them to give it without losing themselves.
⚡ Final Word to Moms Feeling Attacked:
You are not the enemy of progress. You are the progress.
Let’s stop taking the burden of a broken system as a personal failure.
Let’s start using this science to demand better, not to blame.
And if you’re angry? Good. You should be.
Now aim that fire where it belongs: not at each other—but at the institutions that still refuse to take mothering—and children—seriously.
My husband is a stay at home dad, and I go out to work. I think it’s a perfect balance that most miss out on due to structural issues making our set up still far from the norm. Esther Perel talks about how women seeing their partner provide care for their shared children is a positive force for erotic energy (whilst the reverse is not true), and I can relate to that - seeing how amazing he is with our children fills me with love for him, and desire. At the same time, I’m not completely exhausted from ‘doing it all’, being pestered by my husband to meet his sexual needs on top of everything else (as many of my friends experience). It’s a simplification but I hope you get my point
There is just no evil worse than mom guilt, and we must not stop at any lengths to soothe it. (Including tearing babies from their moms at birth and giving them to homosexuals...They'll be just fine, BETTER actually! Maybe the STUDIES SHOW we are actually *evolutionarily* meant to do this to all babies!)
Wowowow the part about single parents is astonishing to me. There's a movement on the far-right that is attempting to make "no-fault divorce" illegal and it seems like this line of thinking and messaging is a convenient path to convince people of its legitimacy. I'm beyond struck by the notion that men being the primary caregiver or even taking a larger role in parenting is a bad thing. I wonder what she would have to say about countries like Sweden, which mandate that men take as much parental leave as women. Again, thanks for taking one for the team here. This woman is insane.
Thank you for this. I am so grateful for your work!
You’re welcome!
If Erica's work makes us mad because we can't all be home with our kids (or don't want to), your work makes me mad because I can't have support of the village I need and the shared parenting dynamics I've evolved for!
I'm not sure what the study was measuring in terms of outcomes, but I cannot believe that a child 'of' two gay men does not miss out on something essential. The bond with his mother. He is separated from his mother at birth, and as we know from some surrogate children who are now speaking out about this practice, it leaves a life-long abandonment wound, regardless of how devoted at parenting the gay couple are. I see this in my work on a postnatal ward.
I think you’re conflating two separate issues. The issue of separating a newborn from the birth giving parent is something in itself (I’ve not done a ton of reading myself on it tbh but for the sake of this conversation I’ll assume it’s proven) but 1. that doesn’t mean the issue is that children need a mother specifically, and 2. Still assumes a very heteronormative style family system. It is perfectly possible for two dads to be the primary parents of a child while not inflicting that initial trauma of separating birth giver and baby.
How is it possible for two dads (gay men) to not inflict the separation of a newborn from its mother when only women (adult human females) give birth?
😂you are too generous with this woman’s trad wife testosterphony.
If the science is solid, then we should take it seriously, even if we don’t like it. I am just trying to parse what is backed by science and what is not. Which is not to say that science and data are infallible- but that where we have evidence to the contrary we should not make such sweeping (harmful) claims
Hmm I think you are picking a fight where you don't need to.
As a father who is struggling to connect with my child, watching her motivated me to get involved and play with him (rough and tumble style).
I don't believe she is espousing the nuclear, isolated family either - saying numerous times how sad it is we have to move away from our extended families.
I think she's also spot on that the right are partly right (family is important) but they are totally off base in any willingness to fund parental leave.
She's not even trying to neuter women's careers and make them stay at home forever - having a great career later in life is a real possibility.
And with regards fathers staying at home - she's talking about our nature and also acknowledges that men would be starting from behind but by being aware of this they can succeed - basically like knowing your own biases - that seems a perfectly sane message.
I'm far from a right winger and finding myself surprised to be disagreeing with some left / liberal opinions (as you say you do too).
I genuinely think you two are on the same page and this whole debunking thing is just you picking holes in her presentation. The guilt piece on part 1 she directly addresses - it's the system/society that is at fault not the mothers/parents - which is what you said too. I'm not in this scene, but I'm so confused by this hate
100% no need to for a fight. Érica in fact has mention many times she never stopped working. She has mention many times she has homosexual patients and she refers all time to the “role of a mother” in the first 3 years that any man can also do , she is not referring specifically to a women. If testosterone drops in a men, cant have the energy to go out and work which is indeed necessary for the survival of the tribe when mom is in postpartum. Érica is always taking about the first 3 years of a human being (Postpartum because it last that amount of time). Even when society and our ideals are different we have to accept our biology and instinct and that’s what she is mainly addressing. My husband did get depressed because he was not working, our sexual life was definitely not the same and it did affect us as partners, no need for divorce but it affect us. Because testosterone is lower thats one of the reason of lack exercise so both are interconnected but it could be the cause or also the effect.
Breastfeeding is affected by stress hormones so if a mom is working with lot of pressure this could be affected.
The world need more present moms thats true and a fact and I think this is the only thing we should focus no need to stop working but is about changing priorities which I think is the message she is trying to send.
💔 When the Truth Hurts, It’s Because You Care: A Message to Mothers from the Research and the Heart
Many of us are reacting—not to the research—but to the unbearable weight of what it implies: That our children need more from us than we have been allowed to give. That the world told us we had to split ourselves in half—and now it dares to question the pieces.
But here’s the truth, grounded in neuroscience, anthropology, and compassion:
You were made for this. Not to do it alone. Not to burn out. But to be central—nurturing, attuned, and supported.
That’s not ideology. It’s biology.
🧠 What the Research Shows (and Why It Matters)
When a woman becomes a mother, her brain rewires to be attuned to her baby’s cues—Lisa Mosconi calls it “a nearly superhuman recalibration.”
In the first 3 years of life, a baby’s brain is building over a million neural connections per second. These are directly shaped by warm, responsive caregiving—especially from mothers, who are biologically primed for this connection.
Reliable, loving presence helps regulate a baby’s stress system, shaping long-term resilience, emotional intelligence, and even physical health.
“Serve and return” interactions—eye contact, voice, touch—are non-negotiable for healthy brain architecture. These aren’t luxuries; they are needs.
Fathers, grandparents, nannies can do this—but the attuned mother is, neurologically, the best-prepared. The key is: this isn’t about exclusion—it’s about support.
💣 Why the Anger? It’s Justified—But Let’s Aim It Right
You're not mad at the science.
You're mad at being set up to fail by a society that says:
“Go back to work as soon as possible.”
“You’re lazy if you stay home.”
“You’re anti-feminist if you prioritize caregiving.”
“Motherhood isn’t real work.”
All while offering no paid leave, no free childcare, no intergenerational help, no community.
The problem isn’t you. It’s a culture that praises “choice” but offers no real options.
That forces mothers to do the impossible—and then shames them for breaking.
👩👧 Mothers Don’t Need to Be the Only Caregivers—But They Deserve to Be Supported as the Primary Ones
The research isn’t saying “only moms matter.”
It’s saying: the early years matter immensely—and we’ve treated them like an afterthought.
You shouldn’t be left isolated and exhausted, expected to do it all without help.
Nor should you be told your caregiving role is “less than” because it doesn’t earn a paycheck.
🌱 A Better Future: Rebuilding the Village
What we need is a third way:
Systems that fund and support early caregiving like we do defense or tech.
Living-work spaces where moms, playmates, caregivers, and support staff co-exist.
Paid parental leave. Home visits. Subsidized help. Emotional support.
This is what Erica Komisar—and many others—are ultimately fighting for. Not against working moms, not against feminism, but for a cultural recalibration that honors what science, common sense, and generations of mothers have always known:
Tiny humans need loving, consistent presence—and mothers need a society that allows them to give it without losing themselves.
⚡ Final Word to Moms Feeling Attacked:
You are not the enemy of progress. You are the progress.
Let’s stop taking the burden of a broken system as a personal failure.
Let’s start using this science to demand better, not to blame.
And if you’re angry? Good. You should be.
Now aim that fire where it belongs: not at each other—but at the institutions that still refuse to take mothering—and children—seriously.
My husband is a stay at home dad, and I go out to work. I think it’s a perfect balance that most miss out on due to structural issues making our set up still far from the norm. Esther Perel talks about how women seeing their partner provide care for their shared children is a positive force for erotic energy (whilst the reverse is not true), and I can relate to that - seeing how amazing he is with our children fills me with love for him, and desire. At the same time, I’m not completely exhausted from ‘doing it all’, being pestered by my husband to meet his sexual needs on top of everything else (as many of my friends experience). It’s a simplification but I hope you get my point
This is brilliant! As a medic (and fellow parent), it's so nice to see a critical review that is referenced. Bravo.
There is just no evil worse than mom guilt, and we must not stop at any lengths to soothe it. (Including tearing babies from their moms at birth and giving them to homosexuals...They'll be just fine, BETTER actually! Maybe the STUDIES SHOW we are actually *evolutionarily* meant to do this to all babies!)
Amazing, thank you for this Info ❣️
This was very interesting to read, as someone with a sick 1-year-old who only wants his daddy.
Wowowow the part about single parents is astonishing to me. There's a movement on the far-right that is attempting to make "no-fault divorce" illegal and it seems like this line of thinking and messaging is a convenient path to convince people of its legitimacy. I'm beyond struck by the notion that men being the primary caregiver or even taking a larger role in parenting is a bad thing. I wonder what she would have to say about countries like Sweden, which mandate that men take as much parental leave as women. Again, thanks for taking one for the team here. This woman is insane.