I have three kids. The first kid didn’t sleep if I wasn’t next to her, but slept like dead if I was next to her. So cosleeping was the natural option. Second kid slept great either way and a little worse when I coslept, so she coslept as needed. Third kid is spotty either way. Bedsharing didn’t seem to improve anything and now there was a small creature next to me I can’t just accidentally hit in the face (and I like stretching out), so she sleeps in a crib unless I’m just too tired to feed her sitting up anymore. Usually the last feed of the night. So I just latch her on and doze off. I really hate the C curl, so there’s that. I hate having that position imposed on me. If it was that of no sleep, I would do the C curl of course. But I like to sleep on my back sometimes.
I suspect if you studied me with different kids you get very different results. And that’s the other thing with studying parenting styles in general. Researchers underestimate the extent to which parents switch up their methods based on child temperament. So did authoritarian style cause defiance, or the other way around? What if you studied the same parent with a biological sibling of the same subject? Would the parenting style even stay consistent?
Great article! I’m a doula and so often new parents share with me that they’re scared to co-sleep (due to the lack of and misinformation). But what happens instead is that they end up holding their baby in a rocker or upright in bed and (understandably so) end up dozing off which is more dangerous than co-sleeping. Education and support around co-sleeping would make a big impact. It’s not for everyone but having the information and encouragement to try it would be so beneficial to parents and babies alike.
I'm no expert but I've had two children and I've co-slept with both of them (still do with my baby) and it's the only way we get any sleep. I send the safe 7 to anyone who asks and tell them they need to kick their partners out so it's only the breastfeeding mum and the baby. Haven't killed any babies so far!
I think a lot of stress about go sleeping comes from trying to do it safely as well. Most of my friends cosleep and it's normal, but if you talk to them quietly, the secret is most will say they don't do it " right ". In regards to blankets, pillows, swaddles, sleeper pods, etc.
I co-slept with my first in the room, and bedshared with my younger two (currently in bed with the youngest as I type) - it's an experience like no other.
"Yet from a biological perspective, it’s completely normal for a baby to wake multiple times during the night to feed, and for this to continue through the first year and beyond." - Yes! It's also thought to be a protective factor that can protect against SIDs
Really enjoyed this piece, and especially loved how it ended. Thank you.
I breastfed all 8 of my babies, and bed-shared with all of them, all to different degrees. What really influenced my thinking/behavior on this were 2 things: the first was listening to my instincts, and the second was reading Breastfeeding and Natural Child-Spacing by Sheila Kippley. I'd grown up thinking that all babies slept in cribs, but I learned that many other cultures/countries share sleep, and this felt like something that was in tune with my instincts. With our first child, we tried to get him to sleep in a crib, and it would work for naps, or for part of the night, and since I was home with him, I could get up out of bed in the middle of the night and breastfeed him and just nap in the day as needed. Soon, though, he developed a preference for being with us. We tried adjusting his crib so it was like a 'side-car' to our bed, but he wasn't having that either (this was when he was an older infant). We just decided to let him sleep in our bed. After our 2nd was a few months old, it was evident that she was an extreme spitter-upper, and I couldn't seem to lay her down without fear of her gagging on it. So I slept in the middle of our bed, upper body elevated with her against my chest, her head to the side so spit up could drain. I did this for many months. My husband slept in another bed with our then older toddler, as that 1st child really slept better with someone else. Once the 3rd child came along, we gave the crib to our niece and just had a bassinet type thing for when they were really tiny and needed a separate space to sleep. Otherwise I found this to be the best way to get sleep myself and allow them nearly unrestricted access to the breast which made for a good milk supply. I really do think that mom and baby being together that frequently had a calming effect on both and was good for the milk supply. I don't say this to judge other moms, but this is what worked best for baby and me, and what felt in tune with my instincts. I was able to be home with our children, so didn't have to be up early to take them to day care, etc. We are also a homeschooling family, so that was a good fit too. I think each mom has to consider what will work best for her and her baby, and that can be different for each child within the same family. I admit it was tricky for the little ones to leave mom and dad's bed, but I can attest to the fact that they do eventually leave not only your bed, but your house too! (4 of our children are now adults and living on their own.) Also, by necessity, our children had to share bedrooms, so my husband built triple bunks, and sometimes the children would bed-share with a sibling, or there were times we had to lie next to them, read a story, and then leave their bed when they fell asleep. It all depended on each child. Another thing we found handy was a crib mattress on the floor in our room as a place to put baby/toddler if they wanted to be in our room. Anyhow, this is a long ramble, I know, but just wanted to share my experience for what it's worth.
From my personal experience, co-sleeping with my infant and side breastfeeding her through the night was the best way for both of us to get the most sleep. She absolutely refused to sleep by herself in the bassinet or crib we got for her. She only sleeps well while held or if I'm next to her. It just worked out that way. I absolutely loved the arrangement, because I loved co-sleeping and nursing her whenever she needs.
I always find the debate about this in America slightly humorous. Indonesians are horrified by the idea that you would stick your baby away from you in another bed or bedroom. It's a choice, and every culture has preferences. My babies slept in their own beds near me until about 5 months, and then they seemed to realize that it would be nicer close to Mommy all night long. I have 6 children. My 3 year old is weaned but still sleeps with me. She'll move out when she's ready.
I spent 18 months living in remote communities in South America and Africa with my three young children. I shared a hammock with my youngest (aged 2y). My friends in the villages were shocked that the older two (aged 6 and 4) were not also in hammocks in the same mosquito net (they shared a double-decker hammock an arm's length away). They were very relaxed about children exploring the village during the day but kept them very close at night.
I co-slept with both children after experimenting with Dr. Ferber's approach to sleep training. My daughter screamed for hours and when I woke in the morning I felt like a Zombie. The stress was unbearable.
What a nice article! I used to struggle with sleep. But I don’t anymore. It’s take years but I learned that trying to sleep makes you not sleep. Meditation helped so much. I also have 3 kids and coslept intentionally with 2, ending it quite early. No sleep training beyond mild fussing once they had a “bedtime” at 4 months. I would love to see the fearmongering around cosleeping with nursing babies ended.
It’s also a public health problem when moms can’t get enough sleep.
I can't imagine not bedsharing. My husband was nervous about it as first, so I put her between me and the edge of the bed.
I put a rolled-up towel under the fitted sheet so it formed a small wall, and the bassinet thing was against that. I'd start her off in there and move her to the bed the first time she nursed, then just gave up the pretense and once she was old enough not to die if she fell out of bed (or need mid-night diaper changes anymore), I got rid of the rolling crib thing and just put her in the bed between us.
Once she was past six months and rolling over on her own my husband wasn't concerned about squishing her. She now hates blankets with a passion, as well as covered feet (she got that part from me) but stays toasty warm nestled between us. She also nurses SO MUCH at night -- still, at 14 months.
What sold bedsharing to me was thinking about living in a village hut, shack, or longhouse, heck, even an old time castle with no insulation. Would the baby be safe by itself in another room? No, a lion could get it. It could freeze. It'll scream when it wakes up cold and alone (so would I!) when the last thing it knew, you were holding it close as you rocked it to sleep.
To this day, I've never slept alone in a house by myself overnight. It's not natural. That's why we formed villages. Women notoriously don't like living alone (minding it more than men) and that's because it's inherently a safety issue. Why would kids be any different?
After sleeping with him in my arms on the couch (taboo and unsafe, I know) for the first 3 months, my son and I started bedsharing and still do. He’s just turned 2 and I’m getting ready to wean him but the task feels impossible given how much he requires my boob in his sleep. If he slept through the night in his own room at this point I would be ok with that 😅 Don’t know what we’ll do from here!
Co slept and half asleep side feeding with the first. The second was premature, though completely healthy, and I was too terrified to do so. It was…not good🤣
Hi Elena, My partner and I are @fertilebydesign. A couple who experienced multiple miscarriages sharing our knowledge along the way. We focus on fecundability, male and female fertility and the 90day cell turnover . Our mission is to help as many people TTC to advocate for themselves. I would love you to have a look at what we are righting
I have three kids. The first kid didn’t sleep if I wasn’t next to her, but slept like dead if I was next to her. So cosleeping was the natural option. Second kid slept great either way and a little worse when I coslept, so she coslept as needed. Third kid is spotty either way. Bedsharing didn’t seem to improve anything and now there was a small creature next to me I can’t just accidentally hit in the face (and I like stretching out), so she sleeps in a crib unless I’m just too tired to feed her sitting up anymore. Usually the last feed of the night. So I just latch her on and doze off. I really hate the C curl, so there’s that. I hate having that position imposed on me. If it was that of no sleep, I would do the C curl of course. But I like to sleep on my back sometimes.
I suspect if you studied me with different kids you get very different results. And that’s the other thing with studying parenting styles in general. Researchers underestimate the extent to which parents switch up their methods based on child temperament. So did authoritarian style cause defiance, or the other way around? What if you studied the same parent with a biological sibling of the same subject? Would the parenting style even stay consistent?
Woah great point!
Great article! I’m a doula and so often new parents share with me that they’re scared to co-sleep (due to the lack of and misinformation). But what happens instead is that they end up holding their baby in a rocker or upright in bed and (understandably so) end up dozing off which is more dangerous than co-sleeping. Education and support around co-sleeping would make a big impact. It’s not for everyone but having the information and encouragement to try it would be so beneficial to parents and babies alike.
I'm no expert but I've had two children and I've co-slept with both of them (still do with my baby) and it's the only way we get any sleep. I send the safe 7 to anyone who asks and tell them they need to kick their partners out so it's only the breastfeeding mum and the baby. Haven't killed any babies so far!
I think a lot of stress about go sleeping comes from trying to do it safely as well. Most of my friends cosleep and it's normal, but if you talk to them quietly, the secret is most will say they don't do it " right ". In regards to blankets, pillows, swaddles, sleeper pods, etc.
I co-slept with my first in the room, and bedshared with my younger two (currently in bed with the youngest as I type) - it's an experience like no other.
"Yet from a biological perspective, it’s completely normal for a baby to wake multiple times during the night to feed, and for this to continue through the first year and beyond." - Yes! It's also thought to be a protective factor that can protect against SIDs
Really enjoyed this piece, and especially loved how it ended. Thank you.
I breastfed all 8 of my babies, and bed-shared with all of them, all to different degrees. What really influenced my thinking/behavior on this were 2 things: the first was listening to my instincts, and the second was reading Breastfeeding and Natural Child-Spacing by Sheila Kippley. I'd grown up thinking that all babies slept in cribs, but I learned that many other cultures/countries share sleep, and this felt like something that was in tune with my instincts. With our first child, we tried to get him to sleep in a crib, and it would work for naps, or for part of the night, and since I was home with him, I could get up out of bed in the middle of the night and breastfeed him and just nap in the day as needed. Soon, though, he developed a preference for being with us. We tried adjusting his crib so it was like a 'side-car' to our bed, but he wasn't having that either (this was when he was an older infant). We just decided to let him sleep in our bed. After our 2nd was a few months old, it was evident that she was an extreme spitter-upper, and I couldn't seem to lay her down without fear of her gagging on it. So I slept in the middle of our bed, upper body elevated with her against my chest, her head to the side so spit up could drain. I did this for many months. My husband slept in another bed with our then older toddler, as that 1st child really slept better with someone else. Once the 3rd child came along, we gave the crib to our niece and just had a bassinet type thing for when they were really tiny and needed a separate space to sleep. Otherwise I found this to be the best way to get sleep myself and allow them nearly unrestricted access to the breast which made for a good milk supply. I really do think that mom and baby being together that frequently had a calming effect on both and was good for the milk supply. I don't say this to judge other moms, but this is what worked best for baby and me, and what felt in tune with my instincts. I was able to be home with our children, so didn't have to be up early to take them to day care, etc. We are also a homeschooling family, so that was a good fit too. I think each mom has to consider what will work best for her and her baby, and that can be different for each child within the same family. I admit it was tricky for the little ones to leave mom and dad's bed, but I can attest to the fact that they do eventually leave not only your bed, but your house too! (4 of our children are now adults and living on their own.) Also, by necessity, our children had to share bedrooms, so my husband built triple bunks, and sometimes the children would bed-share with a sibling, or there were times we had to lie next to them, read a story, and then leave their bed when they fell asleep. It all depended on each child. Another thing we found handy was a crib mattress on the floor in our room as a place to put baby/toddler if they wanted to be in our room. Anyhow, this is a long ramble, I know, but just wanted to share my experience for what it's worth.
From my personal experience, co-sleeping with my infant and side breastfeeding her through the night was the best way for both of us to get the most sleep. She absolutely refused to sleep by herself in the bassinet or crib we got for her. She only sleeps well while held or if I'm next to her. It just worked out that way. I absolutely loved the arrangement, because I loved co-sleeping and nursing her whenever she needs.
I always find the debate about this in America slightly humorous. Indonesians are horrified by the idea that you would stick your baby away from you in another bed or bedroom. It's a choice, and every culture has preferences. My babies slept in their own beds near me until about 5 months, and then they seemed to realize that it would be nicer close to Mommy all night long. I have 6 children. My 3 year old is weaned but still sleeps with me. She'll move out when she's ready.
I spent 18 months living in remote communities in South America and Africa with my three young children. I shared a hammock with my youngest (aged 2y). My friends in the villages were shocked that the older two (aged 6 and 4) were not also in hammocks in the same mosquito net (they shared a double-decker hammock an arm's length away). They were very relaxed about children exploring the village during the day but kept them very close at night.
I co-slept with both children after experimenting with Dr. Ferber's approach to sleep training. My daughter screamed for hours and when I woke in the morning I felt like a Zombie. The stress was unbearable.
What a nice article! I used to struggle with sleep. But I don’t anymore. It’s take years but I learned that trying to sleep makes you not sleep. Meditation helped so much. I also have 3 kids and coslept intentionally with 2, ending it quite early. No sleep training beyond mild fussing once they had a “bedtime” at 4 months. I would love to see the fearmongering around cosleeping with nursing babies ended.
It’s also a public health problem when moms can’t get enough sleep.
Yes I’d like to see the fear mongering and judgment on both sides reduced. A mom’s mental health is the most important thing (for the baby too).
I can't imagine not bedsharing. My husband was nervous about it as first, so I put her between me and the edge of the bed.
I put a rolled-up towel under the fitted sheet so it formed a small wall, and the bassinet thing was against that. I'd start her off in there and move her to the bed the first time she nursed, then just gave up the pretense and once she was old enough not to die if she fell out of bed (or need mid-night diaper changes anymore), I got rid of the rolling crib thing and just put her in the bed between us.
Once she was past six months and rolling over on her own my husband wasn't concerned about squishing her. She now hates blankets with a passion, as well as covered feet (she got that part from me) but stays toasty warm nestled between us. She also nurses SO MUCH at night -- still, at 14 months.
What sold bedsharing to me was thinking about living in a village hut, shack, or longhouse, heck, even an old time castle with no insulation. Would the baby be safe by itself in another room? No, a lion could get it. It could freeze. It'll scream when it wakes up cold and alone (so would I!) when the last thing it knew, you were holding it close as you rocked it to sleep.
To this day, I've never slept alone in a house by myself overnight. It's not natural. That's why we formed villages. Women notoriously don't like living alone (minding it more than men) and that's because it's inherently a safety issue. Why would kids be any different?
After sleeping with him in my arms on the couch (taboo and unsafe, I know) for the first 3 months, my son and I started bedsharing and still do. He’s just turned 2 and I’m getting ready to wean him but the task feels impossible given how much he requires my boob in his sleep. If he slept through the night in his own room at this point I would be ok with that 😅 Don’t know what we’ll do from here!
Co slept and half asleep side feeding with the first. The second was premature, though completely healthy, and I was too terrified to do so. It was…not good🤣
I’d never sleep train.
I co-slept safely and got more sleep as a young mom than I ever have since.
It was lovely.
Hi Elena, My partner and I are @fertilebydesign. A couple who experienced multiple miscarriages sharing our knowledge along the way. We focus on fecundability, male and female fertility and the 90day cell turnover . Our mission is to help as many people TTC to advocate for themselves. I would love you to have a look at what we are righting
https://substack.com/@fertilebydesign/note/p-164097952?r=5o8se4&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action