I feel all of this so deep in my bones. I dream of a commune of friends and chosen family and some actual blood family where we can lean on each other and rely on a community, it it feels like a fever dream. Currently reading Nightbitch, which feels like my emotional and mental biography, and while I have grown to appreciate the absolute feral transformation of motherhood and unplanned SAHM-hoodness, I have a visceral anger that the most common experience I see in families and other mothers around me is loneliness, isolation, lack of support, and unrelenting hustle culture. On a positive note I’m really glad I found your Substack!
I literally could have written this myself. Visceral anger is my most common emotion and it’s not about the challenges of raising toddlers it is literally just rage at this machine that lands us ALL in such profound loneliness. 💔
Ever since I graduated from college, I craved the community I had during my college years. People with their doors opened, everyone just hanging out in the common room, going to the cafeteria together, or any place for that matter. It was a struggle to find a community like that since I graduated. But then four years ago we moved to a brand new apartment building, and oh my gosh, there were so many moms with their kids, people living their doors opened, families organizing bbqs and play dates. Moms meeting at the park or in the parking lot while kids napped. I really enjoyed that, but then we moved again. I crave that community all over again.
It makes me so happy to hear that there are still communities like this, and we can recreate this if we choose to! First we have to recognize how important it is to human mental health and that it’s worth giving up some privacy and comfort in exchange.
You have eloquently stated how so many Moms feel. I’m passed that stage now, and all I can offer is that it does get better. Many feel that way not only now but 20 years ago, even 30-40 years ago. Perhaps not everyone, but it’s a common enough experience that women immediately can empathize. It will pass and you will be able to reconnect. A huge benefit of being in the menopause years is the huge reconnection I feel with women friends around me.
I love this optimism. So many people say it never gets better and that’s not what I want to hear! I see older women in my community having fun together more than I see moms doing the same. I just wish it was possible at all phases of life.
Are you me? This is literally what goes through my head every interminable weekend with my kids who I also love more than anything in the world. My husband and are frantically rush each Saturday morning to just “get the F out of the house,” to where, it doesn’t even matter. I am so jealous of friends who live in condo complexes with built in communities and common space.
We lived in DC pre-Covid and I was a new stay at home mom. The loneliness is real. Eventually my super friendly child found some other women at a park I connected with. We brought each other so much joy. Unfortunately, DC is a very transient community and it didn’t last. It’s hard to start over, but what else can we do? Every time my daughters enter a new activity (school, soccer, dance, we even did a Lego club once), we have the opportunity to make new friends and find ways to support each other.
I've had a bit of an obsession with the idea of community for over a decade (which is probably a part of why I love your work) but since becoming a mom three years ago, the need for it definitely feels more intense and urgent.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that, despite the biological need for it, we're culturally very bad at being the village. In fact, we're pretty bad at coexisting in general, and even at navigating relationships in a healthy way. Maybe that's a glaringly obvious observation but my optimism has prevented me from seeing it until very recently. I'm still not sure I'm ready to abandon hope altogether but I'm pretty close.
No don’t give up!! I really believe it’s just that we are very out of practice, and yes, it does take effort and will involve discomfort and conflict but the benefits are so big and so well documented. And it doesn’t have to be everyone, just one other family in your neighborhood, as I discussed with Michaeleen Doucleff in our podcast convo.
This obviously won't work for everybody, but I have found an amazing social group through a liberal Lutheran church. My kids and I interact with people twice a week just because of them, including ages from 90 all the way down to a few months old. This is a new thing for me and I am loving it so much.
Dad here...we saw the problem you mentioned in the park with our kids. We wanted to let them roam around a bit in our village but there were no other kids around. They would go to the park, only to find it empty. If you don't put them in an organized activity, they won't see any other kids. It's depressing.
Yes, this is a huge part of the problem! If everyone else is in scheduled activities, there are fewer opportunities for group independent play (even for the parents and children who want that)
So so relatable. I wish we lived in the same area, I'd RUN to meet up with you and let the kids play together. But alas... 21st century motherhood is an exercise in loneliness and disconnection, much to the detriment of us all 🥹
Motherhood is lonely, I think because we all have our own unique experience. And it’s strange how you can feel so fulfilled and so lonely at the same time too. Thank you for sharing your heart and research with us! I live in a rural community and have a difficult time finding people with the same interests and values as me, especially my approach to parenting. It’s hard to lack that kind of community as a new mother.
I grew up in inter-generational community and joke that my nervous system is hardwired to be around people. But it is! (All joking aside.) I too find myself opting for the café just to be around people. It’s tough, my little is five months old and it’s fifty-fifty with the car seat right now.
I'm an immigrant mum who also works. And between doing All The Things I'm often thinking about this concept of “The Village.”
I grew up in an era/place where it was normal to have people casually just pop by. Now everything feels like a big project of organisation. And lord ain't we all TIRED.
This post resonated so much Elena! Motherhood seems to be a constant evolution of making peace with little big dichotomies – one of them being, being both the happiest I've ever been as a new mother and also feeling the loneliest I have ever been (even though I have a bub constantly attached to me!). Thanks for sharing <3
This was me when my kids were younger. I felt so alone a lot, and I coordinated a LOT of social gatherings. I got burned out on it and then was frustrated when I felt very few women reciprocated. Now that my youngest is six and my oldest is 18, it’s a lot easier to get out and be with friends, but it’s not necessarily communal as in lots of different people and ages. Just adult women, but I’ll take it.
This is so sad to me and so opposite my experience. I suggest you (or any other moms who feel lonely) move to Vancouver, Canada. We have three, age-tiered playgrounds all within a 3 min walking distance from our apartment (which all sit amid basketball & tennis courts; little ferry shuffles that go to even more parks and splash pads on Granville Island, a place called Science World, and a walking and biking path lining the ocean called the seawall; a massive kids pool just down this seawall in Stanley Park,). I rarely have to leave our 5 block radius and almost never drive. I walk everywhere: to multiple grocery stores, cafes, city trains and community centers, etc. If you’re in a rush to get anywhere (home to use the “potty”, out to music class on time, etc), it can sometimes feel impossible because you run into so many kids and parents. We get 12-18 months maternity and parental leave in Canada, so you see moms (and almost as many dads to be honest!) with their babies around that age everywhere. I’ve met some of the most incredible friends since becoming a mom (they all actually understand, empathize with, and can work around the demands and impossible schedules of childrearing). Before kids, I remember working on my laptop at my office job and I was so lonely I would go solo to work at restaurants, just to see people. Friends were always impossible to make plans with: living to far to meet up easily, traveling here or there on vacation or for their job, working too much for leisure time, moving away for better work, etc. But when I became a mom, suddenly I didn’t even have to *make* plans. We would just run into families at the parks, playgrounds, even the grocery store, or scootering all winter in the big, drained fountain. There is even a standing dinner invitation during the summer months for a big picnic in the park each Friday with all the parents of the neighborhood. It’s so fun to just let the kids run wild in a mass green space while you chat with other parents (and even have a glass of rosé together). I wouldn’t have known about any of this, or met any of these people, if I hadn’t just gotten outside every day—twice a day. Parenting inside alone is torture. And it gets harder the older kids get. So I just don’t do it. But I love your quote about your grandmother and inviting friends over to play cards: As some of our kid and parent friends head back to the office and into daycare, I find it resonates. But as my mother-in-law said, “Hey, when you live in a city that large, new families with full-time moms or dads will always be moving in.” And have since found it to be true. And these parents are like magnets: almost like we have a radar for each other. I’m also that annoying neighbour/mom who incessantly hosts dinners, holiday parties, and events in our building’s courtyard for all the kids around my daughter’s age. I would go insane (as would anyone) if I didn’t have these other parents and kids around as often as possible. You need to socialize. And so do they.
Your description of hunter-gatherer life truly does sound dreamy. My personal version of that fantasy is life in a small village in alpine Italy sometime in the late 19th-early 20th centuries. I picture my friends and me gathered around a worn wood table rolling out dough for ravioli together while the kids play outside. Doesn't that sound lovely? So much purpose, so much community.
I feel all of this so deep in my bones. I dream of a commune of friends and chosen family and some actual blood family where we can lean on each other and rely on a community, it it feels like a fever dream. Currently reading Nightbitch, which feels like my emotional and mental biography, and while I have grown to appreciate the absolute feral transformation of motherhood and unplanned SAHM-hoodness, I have a visceral anger that the most common experience I see in families and other mothers around me is loneliness, isolation, lack of support, and unrelenting hustle culture. On a positive note I’m really glad I found your Substack!
I think we all feel this intuitively and that’s why my research is resonating with so many mothers!
I literally could have written this myself. Visceral anger is my most common emotion and it’s not about the challenges of raising toddlers it is literally just rage at this machine that lands us ALL in such profound loneliness. 💔
Ever since I graduated from college, I craved the community I had during my college years. People with their doors opened, everyone just hanging out in the common room, going to the cafeteria together, or any place for that matter. It was a struggle to find a community like that since I graduated. But then four years ago we moved to a brand new apartment building, and oh my gosh, there were so many moms with their kids, people living their doors opened, families organizing bbqs and play dates. Moms meeting at the park or in the parking lot while kids napped. I really enjoyed that, but then we moved again. I crave that community all over again.
It makes me so happy to hear that there are still communities like this, and we can recreate this if we choose to! First we have to recognize how important it is to human mental health and that it’s worth giving up some privacy and comfort in exchange.
You have eloquently stated how so many Moms feel. I’m passed that stage now, and all I can offer is that it does get better. Many feel that way not only now but 20 years ago, even 30-40 years ago. Perhaps not everyone, but it’s a common enough experience that women immediately can empathize. It will pass and you will be able to reconnect. A huge benefit of being in the menopause years is the huge reconnection I feel with women friends around me.
I love this optimism. So many people say it never gets better and that’s not what I want to hear! I see older women in my community having fun together more than I see moms doing the same. I just wish it was possible at all phases of life.
Are you me? This is literally what goes through my head every interminable weekend with my kids who I also love more than anything in the world. My husband and are frantically rush each Saturday morning to just “get the F out of the house,” to where, it doesn’t even matter. I am so jealous of friends who live in condo complexes with built in communities and common space.
The Saturday morning rush to immediately leave the house is REAL 🤣
We lived in DC pre-Covid and I was a new stay at home mom. The loneliness is real. Eventually my super friendly child found some other women at a park I connected with. We brought each other so much joy. Unfortunately, DC is a very transient community and it didn’t last. It’s hard to start over, but what else can we do? Every time my daughters enter a new activity (school, soccer, dance, we even did a Lego club once), we have the opportunity to make new friends and find ways to support each other.
I have also lived in many very transient communities and moved a lot and it’s very tiring to have to constantly make new friends
I've had a bit of an obsession with the idea of community for over a decade (which is probably a part of why I love your work) but since becoming a mom three years ago, the need for it definitely feels more intense and urgent.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that, despite the biological need for it, we're culturally very bad at being the village. In fact, we're pretty bad at coexisting in general, and even at navigating relationships in a healthy way. Maybe that's a glaringly obvious observation but my optimism has prevented me from seeing it until very recently. I'm still not sure I'm ready to abandon hope altogether but I'm pretty close.
No don’t give up!! I really believe it’s just that we are very out of practice, and yes, it does take effort and will involve discomfort and conflict but the benefits are so big and so well documented. And it doesn’t have to be everyone, just one other family in your neighborhood, as I discussed with Michaeleen Doucleff in our podcast convo.
This obviously won't work for everybody, but I have found an amazing social group through a liberal Lutheran church. My kids and I interact with people twice a week just because of them, including ages from 90 all the way down to a few months old. This is a new thing for me and I am loving it so much.
Dad here...we saw the problem you mentioned in the park with our kids. We wanted to let them roam around a bit in our village but there were no other kids around. They would go to the park, only to find it empty. If you don't put them in an organized activity, they won't see any other kids. It's depressing.
Yes, this is a huge part of the problem! If everyone else is in scheduled activities, there are fewer opportunities for group independent play (even for the parents and children who want that)
So so relatable. I wish we lived in the same area, I'd RUN to meet up with you and let the kids play together. But alas... 21st century motherhood is an exercise in loneliness and disconnection, much to the detriment of us all 🥹
🤗 I do think in some ways my digital community has helped, but it’s not the same as in person hangouts
Motherhood is lonely, I think because we all have our own unique experience. And it’s strange how you can feel so fulfilled and so lonely at the same time too. Thank you for sharing your heart and research with us! I live in a rural community and have a difficult time finding people with the same interests and values as me, especially my approach to parenting. It’s hard to lack that kind of community as a new mother.
I grew up in inter-generational community and joke that my nervous system is hardwired to be around people. But it is! (All joking aside.) I too find myself opting for the café just to be around people. It’s tough, my little is five months old and it’s fifty-fifty with the car seat right now.
This post really spoke to me.
I'm an immigrant mum who also works. And between doing All The Things I'm often thinking about this concept of “The Village.”
I grew up in an era/place where it was normal to have people casually just pop by. Now everything feels like a big project of organisation. And lord ain't we all TIRED.
This post resonated so much Elena! Motherhood seems to be a constant evolution of making peace with little big dichotomies – one of them being, being both the happiest I've ever been as a new mother and also feeling the loneliest I have ever been (even though I have a bub constantly attached to me!). Thanks for sharing <3
This was me when my kids were younger. I felt so alone a lot, and I coordinated a LOT of social gatherings. I got burned out on it and then was frustrated when I felt very few women reciprocated. Now that my youngest is six and my oldest is 18, it’s a lot easier to get out and be with friends, but it’s not necessarily communal as in lots of different people and ages. Just adult women, but I’ll take it.
This is so sad to me and so opposite my experience. I suggest you (or any other moms who feel lonely) move to Vancouver, Canada. We have three, age-tiered playgrounds all within a 3 min walking distance from our apartment (which all sit amid basketball & tennis courts; little ferry shuffles that go to even more parks and splash pads on Granville Island, a place called Science World, and a walking and biking path lining the ocean called the seawall; a massive kids pool just down this seawall in Stanley Park,). I rarely have to leave our 5 block radius and almost never drive. I walk everywhere: to multiple grocery stores, cafes, city trains and community centers, etc. If you’re in a rush to get anywhere (home to use the “potty”, out to music class on time, etc), it can sometimes feel impossible because you run into so many kids and parents. We get 12-18 months maternity and parental leave in Canada, so you see moms (and almost as many dads to be honest!) with their babies around that age everywhere. I’ve met some of the most incredible friends since becoming a mom (they all actually understand, empathize with, and can work around the demands and impossible schedules of childrearing). Before kids, I remember working on my laptop at my office job and I was so lonely I would go solo to work at restaurants, just to see people. Friends were always impossible to make plans with: living to far to meet up easily, traveling here or there on vacation or for their job, working too much for leisure time, moving away for better work, etc. But when I became a mom, suddenly I didn’t even have to *make* plans. We would just run into families at the parks, playgrounds, even the grocery store, or scootering all winter in the big, drained fountain. There is even a standing dinner invitation during the summer months for a big picnic in the park each Friday with all the parents of the neighborhood. It’s so fun to just let the kids run wild in a mass green space while you chat with other parents (and even have a glass of rosé together). I wouldn’t have known about any of this, or met any of these people, if I hadn’t just gotten outside every day—twice a day. Parenting inside alone is torture. And it gets harder the older kids get. So I just don’t do it. But I love your quote about your grandmother and inviting friends over to play cards: As some of our kid and parent friends head back to the office and into daycare, I find it resonates. But as my mother-in-law said, “Hey, when you live in a city that large, new families with full-time moms or dads will always be moving in.” And have since found it to be true. And these parents are like magnets: almost like we have a radar for each other. I’m also that annoying neighbour/mom who incessantly hosts dinners, holiday parties, and events in our building’s courtyard for all the kids around my daughter’s age. I would go insane (as would anyone) if I didn’t have these other parents and kids around as often as possible. You need to socialize. And so do they.
Your description of hunter-gatherer life truly does sound dreamy. My personal version of that fantasy is life in a small village in alpine Italy sometime in the late 19th-early 20th centuries. I picture my friends and me gathered around a worn wood table rolling out dough for ravioli together while the kids play outside. Doesn't that sound lovely? So much purpose, so much community.