"What we actually need is community, and since we don’t have it, we are trying to buy our way out of the struggle and exhaustion" I'm not a mother, but funnily enough that sums up my Black Friday purchases exactly.
I don’t know. I like the idea of not buying things in theory, but in practice, I find it doesn’t really work. I love reading, so I buy a lot of books. I love crafts, so I have a lot of craft supplies. I love gardening, so I buy a lot of plants and seeds. I love to cook and entertain, so I must have dishes, cookware and serving utensils. I want to support small businesses and artisans who make pottery serving pieces with which I can entertain, clothes I can wear, pictures to hang on my wall, etc. The list goes on. I think deep down I am just a maximalist because I want to live a full and beautiful life. Yes I stress about clutter occasionally but I think people also stress out too much about decluttering, or they think it’s going to solve a spiritual problem for them.
But yeah I absolutely think that getting rid of all of your things will not solve your problems and I’m a bit tired of hearing that from the minimalists. The reason hunter gatherers are happier than westerners in average is not because they have less stuff, but because of their social, egalitarian lifestyle, etc. However, I think we can safely say that you don’t need a lot of stuff to be happy.
I think it’s about knowing what’s important to you and what you really get value out of. And whether the joy is worth the financial expense, maintenance, and clutter. And then of course it depends on your tolerance for mess and/or how much effort you are willing to put into tidying. For me, I wasn’t really getting much value out of what I bought and because I am AdHD the clutter really stressed me out AND I have a very hard time tidying. So minimalism makes me much happier, but it’s hard to pull off in modern society. So I needed to learn how to curb my buying. But everyone is different!
I am very interested in Dopamine Nation. I have never had a shopping problem at all...until I had kids. I am very tall (6' 2"), so even online, it's hard to find my size (size 11 shoes, jeans that are long enough, etc) so it is fairly easy for me to ignore recommendations of petite influences in heels (I own zero pairs of heels). And, for whatever reason, things like fancy purses interest me not at all. Never have. But with getting my kids stuff? It's game over. I think a part of me really feels like the environment of my home needs to be endlessly enriching, especially since I'm a SAHM so my kids spend tons of time at home (my oldest starts K next fall). So me buying them toys is wrapped up in this desire to give THEM this super amazing childhood. An example: my kids (5, 3.5) do not have a train set. Our local museum has a huge train table, we go all the time, and still, I find myself agonizing over this decision: Should I buy them trains? And scouring FB marketplace for trains, etc. I know it's ridiculous. But I have only recently started to accept the truth of: My kids won't have EVERYTHING at the home. And that's okay. In fact, that's probably even better for them. But why is that so hard to realize and accept?
This is very common and understandable. And with kids it’s the same issue as with adults: they lack the dynamic multi age play groups that would have kept them entertained in our evolutionary past. As a result, they get bored easily or they demand the adults play with them. We try to compensate by buying them toys. But in my experience the toys mostly just cause fighting and more arbitration work for the adults. IMHO, I absolutely think they are better off going to community spaces (like the museum with the train) where they can interact with other people than staying at home with their own train!
Totally agree that I buy toys to compensate for the lack of a play group, but my experience is a bit different re: toys making more work for me. When my eldest is engaged in a toy (e.g. doing a floor puzzle), the chances he’s tackling his little brother go way down. I also think, realistically, if we don’t have toys in our home then kids will often spend time at homes on screens. I want my kids to associate being home with more than just TV. We have a ton of magnatiles and I am so glad we do. I would be curious to hear your take on Susie from Busy Toddler’s approach to toys. She says play is the work of childhood and toys are the tools of play — and her kids have a ton. But, they’re intentional and organized and imo she has the best toy recs on the internet. Also, another conundrum is I can’t do housework or cook when I’m with the kids at the museum, playground, etc — and since those tasks aren’t communal they’re a ton of work! I guess I can easily understand the case for not buying lots of random shit for me— but when it comes to my kids, it feels more complicated. They have to do something when they’re home! And a multi age play group will likely not magically appear anytime soon.
"What we actually need is community, and since we don’t have it, we are trying to buy our way out of the struggle and exhaustion" I'm not a mother, but funnily enough that sums up my Black Friday purchases exactly.
I don’t know. I like the idea of not buying things in theory, but in practice, I find it doesn’t really work. I love reading, so I buy a lot of books. I love crafts, so I have a lot of craft supplies. I love gardening, so I buy a lot of plants and seeds. I love to cook and entertain, so I must have dishes, cookware and serving utensils. I want to support small businesses and artisans who make pottery serving pieces with which I can entertain, clothes I can wear, pictures to hang on my wall, etc. The list goes on. I think deep down I am just a maximalist because I want to live a full and beautiful life. Yes I stress about clutter occasionally but I think people also stress out too much about decluttering, or they think it’s going to solve a spiritual problem for them.
But yeah I absolutely think that getting rid of all of your things will not solve your problems and I’m a bit tired of hearing that from the minimalists. The reason hunter gatherers are happier than westerners in average is not because they have less stuff, but because of their social, egalitarian lifestyle, etc. However, I think we can safely say that you don’t need a lot of stuff to be happy.
I think it’s about knowing what’s important to you and what you really get value out of. And whether the joy is worth the financial expense, maintenance, and clutter. And then of course it depends on your tolerance for mess and/or how much effort you are willing to put into tidying. For me, I wasn’t really getting much value out of what I bought and because I am AdHD the clutter really stressed me out AND I have a very hard time tidying. So minimalism makes me much happier, but it’s hard to pull off in modern society. So I needed to learn how to curb my buying. But everyone is different!
I am very interested in Dopamine Nation. I have never had a shopping problem at all...until I had kids. I am very tall (6' 2"), so even online, it's hard to find my size (size 11 shoes, jeans that are long enough, etc) so it is fairly easy for me to ignore recommendations of petite influences in heels (I own zero pairs of heels). And, for whatever reason, things like fancy purses interest me not at all. Never have. But with getting my kids stuff? It's game over. I think a part of me really feels like the environment of my home needs to be endlessly enriching, especially since I'm a SAHM so my kids spend tons of time at home (my oldest starts K next fall). So me buying them toys is wrapped up in this desire to give THEM this super amazing childhood. An example: my kids (5, 3.5) do not have a train set. Our local museum has a huge train table, we go all the time, and still, I find myself agonizing over this decision: Should I buy them trains? And scouring FB marketplace for trains, etc. I know it's ridiculous. But I have only recently started to accept the truth of: My kids won't have EVERYTHING at the home. And that's okay. In fact, that's probably even better for them. But why is that so hard to realize and accept?
This is very common and understandable. And with kids it’s the same issue as with adults: they lack the dynamic multi age play groups that would have kept them entertained in our evolutionary past. As a result, they get bored easily or they demand the adults play with them. We try to compensate by buying them toys. But in my experience the toys mostly just cause fighting and more arbitration work for the adults. IMHO, I absolutely think they are better off going to community spaces (like the museum with the train) where they can interact with other people than staying at home with their own train!
Totally agree that I buy toys to compensate for the lack of a play group, but my experience is a bit different re: toys making more work for me. When my eldest is engaged in a toy (e.g. doing a floor puzzle), the chances he’s tackling his little brother go way down. I also think, realistically, if we don’t have toys in our home then kids will often spend time at homes on screens. I want my kids to associate being home with more than just TV. We have a ton of magnatiles and I am so glad we do. I would be curious to hear your take on Susie from Busy Toddler’s approach to toys. She says play is the work of childhood and toys are the tools of play — and her kids have a ton. But, they’re intentional and organized and imo she has the best toy recs on the internet. Also, another conundrum is I can’t do housework or cook when I’m with the kids at the museum, playground, etc — and since those tasks aren’t communal they’re a ton of work! I guess I can easily understand the case for not buying lots of random shit for me— but when it comes to my kids, it feels more complicated. They have to do something when they’re home! And a multi age play group will likely not magically appear anytime soon.